Saturday, February 7, 2009

Wandering Bridge

It's been a while since I've been to my blog site. I think the past month or so has been an adjusting time, a bridge of sorts, a tiring, solemn, wandering kind of walk back and forth on a bridge of life. It reminds me of the time I got stuck between two borders, New York and Ontario. I lived in Ontario for 2 1/2 years when I was out of high school. One winter after visiting family in New York, I realized I had forgotten my visa papers at home which was half way between London and Windsor. Getting to NY had not been a problem because security checks were randomly selected during the 70's and I was never selected, in spite of my hippie (me on left with my first car) appearance. I guess it was obvious that I was not skipping the draft of the USA!

Anyway, when I was returning to Ontario, I was asked to show my ID and my visa papers. I didn't have any of them so I was shipped back across the border via cab ride. When I got to NY, they didn't want me either! It was a scary place, especially since I was expecting friends to drive to NY (they finally had to let me back in since I had just come from there) and bring my papers. But a sudden terrible snow storm kept everyone from traveling and I was stuck in Buffalo for 3 days with no ID, very little money, and no one to talk to.

(Here's my graduation picture)
Life this past month has been a little bit like that...of course, I am less scared, more mature, and I have plenty of wonderful friends to talk to. But not being able to go back (to life with Vinnie) and wanting to (or not really knowing any kind of life without him) has been a struggle. Yet, moving forward seems difficult too because I am not sure where I am going. As I began to run out of electronic photos of Vinnie that I could upload to my blog site I began to realize that I needed to start blogging about the life I am suppose to be having AFTER death, after Vinnie's death, after all isn't that the name of this blog? Then tonight...I figured out what I should be writing about...the walk I am having right now, the one of the bridge! I don't have to wait and write about what is on the other side of the bridge; I can write about what the journey is right now on the bridge!

It's going to take me a while to figure things out. I knew Vinnie for almost 30 years, this journey is a bit weirder this age and in these circumstances than say, if I was in my 20's when Vinnie died. I am older, a lot larger, and childless. I don't need help with raising my little girls. I am probably never going to date again so seeking to marry again is probably not in the future scope of things either. There are friends I could join for things like evening dance lessons and workouts but I have so little a salary that outings with anyone must be kept to an all time near-no budget. So I've been wondering what I am suppose to write about...the mundane duties of work each day? Go ahead, you can say it, "That would get old fast!"

So you can take a peek at what life is for one widow who is trying to find her "New Normal" in life. That IS the journey I'm on right now. I will warn you, it's going to be some bouncing around from time zone and era to time zone and era but I think you will get a kick out of it! You see, the journey on this bridge is this...reminiscing where I've been, before Vinnie, (like the photo below of us when we were first engaged) with Vinnie, the cancer, our marriage, our dreams, and of course, a look at what may be ahead for me without him. Are you willing to keep taking the journey with me? If you do, as I begin to take more and clearer steps towards what things might be in store for me in the future, you will surely understand how all the things of my past will be what prepares me for what God has in the future. Put on your seat belts...if you want to take the journey with me, it's going to be a bit Topsy-Turvy for a while but the journey is going somewhere and I'd love for you to be on this trip with me, at least in prayer and with hopes and encouragement.

I will be back tomorrow with a description of what it is like to be a plate when God is trying to scrape it clean. Ouch! It's painful...but I can't wait to be clean, free and clear! I won't get into too much description of what the pain is like and I can't even talk too much about what the stuff is being scraped away (too many personal and family things) but I can say, He sure is turning up the heat to get the job done! I believe He is beginning to show me something that the future might hold for me so I'll give you a peek at it tomorrow. Have I got you in suspense? Good. Come back, because I want you to be updated on what I might be doing one day (when I grow up?) and I'd love to have you praying about it with me. See ya tomorrow!

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