Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Party's Over

It's funny how differently we all handle situations. When I was about 12 years old or so, my mother took a terrible tumble down the stairs. There was a toy or tools or something left on one of steps. She didn't see it and when she stepped on it, she lost her balance. I was right behind her. She flew in the air and landed on the cement basement floor. She hit her head and it knocked her out.

My sister went bonkers! She started screaming and running all around the basement screaming that she was dead. I kept telling her to be quiet. I could not believe she was so loud and hysterical! I on the other hand, calmly walked down the stairs, leaned over my mother, called her a few times and was prepared to call 911 when she suddenly opened her eyes.

I don't remember what happened next in the situation buy my mother turned out alright. What amazed me, even then, is how cool, calm, and collected I was - me the zealous one! Shortly after that, when everything was okay, is when the effects of rushing adrenalin set in. I cried like a baby while my sister was rejoicing and relieved.

I was like that with Vinnie's cancer too. I hope Vinnie realized this about me. I'd hate for him to leave earth thinking I was callus and didn't care! No, I cared, but it been my instinctive role to make sure everyone else is okay before I give myself permission to fall apart. Actually, I was like that with Vinnie. When he called me from the hospital and told me that his cancer was back, I told him to stop talking because I was coming back to the hospital to talk in person. We talked for hours that night and cried like babies the whole time. The doctor told him that he would not survive the cancer and he would eventually die from it. I was not cool, calm, and collected then. I was thought when we told our kids and our church family.

Vinnie has been gone for four months. Many people were concerned about me over the holidays. I seemed to be okay. I even surprised myself. I had bouts of tearful sadness here and there but it was not overwhelming. I seemed okay. Chritmas Eve came. I was okay. Christmas came. I was okay. But when the weekend was over and the company all went home; I was alone for again and I fell apart. I have been sad since. It seems now like Vinnie just died just a few weeks ago.

So tonight's it's New Year's Eve and I am already anticipating sadness. Oh I'll be strong and happy while my kids and grand children are at the house, but when the party's over, I will again be reminded that there is no longer a "Vinnie and Gail" that will talk about the New Year and what our plans might be for our new year. This too I will talk the New Year and what our plans might be for us in the New Year. This too I will get over (eventually, I hope), but it will take time. I suppose that is why it is said that it takes two to five years to get grief of a spouse, especially if the spouse took up half one's life! Life without Vinnie is a party over, but hopefully there are new "parties" for me in the days ahead - even in the days ahead in 2009!

1 comment:

carol said...

I am available to play next week.