Monday, June 22, 2009

A Dead Truck

Here's Vinnie's red pick up. He always wanted a truck like this one and he got to own it for a few months before he went Home.

I will soon be closing on the house that Vinnie and I lived in for almost three years before he died. I didn't particularly like living there. It was a blessing at the time we bought it and I was in love with the dream we had to build a dream home there and eventually buy out the land next door to create a lovely haven with a plenty of room for the whole family and plenty of friends to come spent time with us there. The dream never happened and I put the place up for sale. The home and property were too much for me to take care of anyway.

Last weekend Vinnie's truck broke down. I could tell it was the engine. I am not sure why the engine went out; the truck only had 145,000 miles on it and it had plenty of oil which was not ready to be changed. But it seemed to me like it was a message to me that I needed to give up everything that was Vinnie's. Once the sale of the house closes, I'll have nothing but ashes, an American flag and a lot of pictures that are of Vinnie. Everything else is gone - a reminder that I am in a new season of life and am living it by myself.

It's bittersweet. The truck needed a lot of work and so did my Buick. My budget to fix and maintain the two cars was almost as much as my new car payment! I know this is Vinnie would be proud of me for the decisions I've made (most of them anyway - he'd probably cringe at the way I do my bookkeeping!) but he's not here to say, "Great job, Gailie!" I wish I could hear him talk to me at times - I miss his encouragement and having someone to dream with. But I am not going to hear his voice again and I doubt that when I hear it in heaven that he will still have that romantic little Italian accent I used to make fun of. Funny, I would so love to hear it again.

I am still searching for my "own" in this new season of life. I would so love to be in business for myself, a business that is also a ministry of some kind. This is a subject of prayer and I'm also hoping to attend the college at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in the fall of this year. It is my hope that God will continue to shape this new dream (old dream with a new twist - I'm doing it alone). If I am to be alone for the rest of my life, I at least want to pour my life into something that truly allows me to do what I'm most passionate about.

Yesterday was Father's Day and I didn't think it was a day that would become emotional for me but it was. I didn't think until later in the day, but next year I'm going to act on an idea that came to me before I went to bed last night. I'm going to find some other people who have lost their dad and/or women who have lost their husbands, and go visit men in hospitals or nursing homes who would be encouraged to have company. Perhaps we can share the good news of Jesus who opened the way for us to know our Perfect Father in heaven. Now that is a great new normal!